Do you want to be perfect or happy? Stop toxic shame.
Posted on 12/02/2010 by Yvonne McCarthy / 21 Comments / Leave a Comment »
I saw this article by Brené Brown who is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. I feel like she lives in my head. This is the perfect example of how so many who have weight loss surgery believe that life will be perfect when…..
I lose the weight…
I get that man….or that woman.
I get that job….
I get reconstructive surgery…..
And yes I’ve mentioned all this before but I’m going to say it again. All these things are the greener grass on the other side of the fence. If you are always looking to get to the other side of the fence you never get there! Even if you do get over the fence there will just be another fence and another…. You never….ever….get there. So what do you do? You start to look at the things in your life you are fortunate enough to have and you start being grateful. When you covet someone else’s “anything” there are just as many people wanting what you have. No matter what your life is like there are hundreds of thousands of people on this earth that would LOVE to be in your shoes. We are generally spending so much time wishing for things we don’t have that we never appreciate the things we’ve got. You may think that’s silly and no fun but I believe it’s equally silly and no fun to wish for something you don’t have.
Many of my blog posts have said how we can ill afford guilt/blame/shame/judgment but I love how Ms. Brown points out that we believe perfection will alleviate the pain of those emotions. So if we understand perfection is not really possible and that means we cannot avoid the pain, what do we do to avoid it? We stop doing things that cause the dehumanization of others. We stop actions that make others feel “less than”. Forums and Facebook are full of people making others feel “less than”….they are full of people dealing out toxic shame.
John Bradshaw wrote a book called “Healing the shame that binds you”. He discusses dehumanization or otheration (others making you feel less than). “Toxic shame is either inhuman or dehumanizing. The demand for a false self to cover and hide the authentic self necessitates a life dominated by doing and achievement. Everything depends on performance and achievement rather than on being. Being requires no measurement: it is its own justification. Being is grounded in an inner life that grows in richness. Toxic shame looks to the outside for happiness and validation, since the inside is flawed and defective. Toxic shame is spiritual bankruptcy”.
Ask yourself the next time you type something or say something about others…are you contributing to someone’s toxic shame?
I am enough…
I AM enough!
I think you are enough too.
Stop toxic shame and we can just be….enough.
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Who is Bariatric Girl?
Musician, Artist, Photographer,computer geek and weight loss surgery aficionado. On March 30th, 2001, I had weight loss surgery weighing in at 260 pounds. Since that day I have lost and maintained a 130 pound loss. Yoga and walking my dog were the only exercise I was getting until I started with an instructor and creator of "Body Juggling". Click on the picture on the bottom of this page and it will take you to the site. Read More »