Forgiving the Fat Girl

Last weekend I was speaking at the Obesity Help Cincinnati Event and as usual I showed some of my before pictures.

Today I received an email from a dear friend of mine Barbara and she asked me this:
After weight loss surgery, and having lost 116 pounds and counting, do I eventually become and stay for life, a fat girl in a slim body, or do I evolve (with personal work and therapy) into a slim girl in a slim body with a fat girl buried under the tree in my backyard?
This was my answer….
B. You evolve (with personal work and therapy) into a slim girl in a slim body with a fat girl buried under the tree in my backyard.
I have buried the fat girl in the backyard but I keep a picture to show others what is possible. I know that by looking at the before pictures I have the ability to move past painful emotions and can come to peace with that pain. Any time I looked at those pictures for the first several years after weight loss surgery I would feel the shame and blame and guilt but now I have forgiven her…the fat girl.
She was doing the very best she could.
She kept trying to find the solution and she didn’t give up.
The fat girl saved my life.
She died to save me and I’m grateful for that.
She suffered for 30 years and carried the physical and emotional pain every day but even with that….she thought that one day there might still be a way out. Even at 47 years old when some cultures consider that old age and way too late to start over, she kept trying! The fat girl believed that it was possible to still live a life with purpose and meaning.
I look back at her now with love because even though she wanted to just give up and die, she didn’t.
I participated in the fashion show at the event and something happened that I was fortunate enough to get video of. This is something the former fat girl in me only dreamed of….to wear a dress and heels and walk a catwalk or runway. We had all done our “one at a time” walk and we were all coming back out for one last walk when a very nice looking man nearly half my age said “I’m walking with you!” A great song came on and I decided to have a good time. Pursing my lips and doing my very best strut, I proceeded down the runway. Not knowing what would happen next was really scary.
Would I fall?
Would I do something stupid?

I decided it didn’t matter. Jared was the perfect partner and he dipped me!
So thank you fat girl….thank you for allowing me to live that slice of life I never thought possible.
I’m not ashamed of you anymore.
Love and Light,
p.s. I’m including the video. Click in the middle of it if you can’t see the whole frame and it will take you to you tube.


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0 Comments on “Forgiving the Fat Girl”

this really touched me. One of the things that I had to deal with before surgery is that obseity served a purpose in my life for very long time. There was a reason why every diet I ever went on failed and that was because I was not ready to let down my walls buit of fat. It took 49 years before I could begin to face exaclty what it was I was hiding from and why. In doing so I found what everyone eventually has to understand, walls may keep out the pain but they also keep out the joy. That fat girl protected me when I did not know how to protect myself, she set bounderies when I could not…

Excellent post Debra. I love the line about walls keeping out the pain AND the joy. I too realized that and found that for me to experience the joy I had to face the pain without using something to self medicate into numbness. I was 47 when I had surgery. I often wished it could have been sooner but I finally realized that it happened when it needed to happen. Everything I have done in my life has brought me to where I am and it’s a far better place than it’s ever been. Thank you for taking a moment to share your thoughts and I’m so pleased you could relate to my post.

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