Re:Morning Confessions of an Ugly Girl

This morning I read an incredible piece shared on facebook.  It’s called “Morning Confessions of an Ugly Girl”.  Many of my friends in the weight loss surgery community are relating no doubt.  Here is an excerpt.

I heard snatches of gossip. I was the “ugly girl” of the class.  No one bothered to learn that I loved to read.  No one ever found out about my warped sense of humor.  No one cared to read the stories I would stay up writing.  No one asked for my opinion.  I was just the ugly girl.  One-sided.  If someone’s pretty, people want to find out more about them. They pay attention to the positives and ignore the negatives.  If someone’s ugly, people dismiss them as being “a nice person to talk to.” For a while.  The more they learn about the ugly person in question, the more they concentrate on the negatives.  Good looks are like a get-out-of-jail-free card for life.  You could be the meanest, most sadistic bitch out there, but if you’re pretty, people use that to cancel out your faults.  Ugly people just fall deeper and deeper into this pit of loathing.  Not just the disgust of others, but the repulsion of ourselves.  They tell us that it’s what’s on the inside that matters.

I felt every word of this story and it was my truth for nearly thirty years.  So sure that being released from my prison of obesity would make it all better somehow….I wasn’t expecting a perfect life but I expected better.  My life improved so much that I could hardly contain myself.  I was passionate about this new lease on life and it became my purpose to share and support others in their journeys.  How could this possibly be anything but wonderful?  How could I have known that members of that same community would be so unkind to those that are all just trying to see a way out of their formerly miserable lives?  We are all the same…we all have pain, we all have joy.  Although I cannot control those who wish to do harm I certainly look to the many that are just like me, the ones seeking a kindler, gentler journey. 

If I could tell the person who wrote that article one thing it would be that no matter who you are or what you look like there will always be someone telling you that you are ugly and no matter how beautiful someone is on the outside it eventually fades.  A well known actress said “Being born beautiful is like being born rich and getting poorer every day.” When I looked at my 70 year old mother who was slipping away every day to cancer I didn’t see the wrinkles or her age…I saw the most beautiful person I have ever known in my life.  She taught me so much…I would have loved for her to see how my life changed for the better.

I am clearly healthier now and I am free from my prison of obesity. 

Freedom that I am grateful for…no matter how ugly someone is I cannot let them affect my life on a day to day basis.  Misery loves company so don’t invite misery to your party anymore.  There is something beautiful in every one of us and there’s a simple way to find it. 

Stop looking for the ugly…ugly is easy to find if that’s what you look for.  Ugly is….ugly.

It’s just as easy to seek out the beautiful. 

 Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. 

Ugly is in the mind of the beholder too. 

Choose carefully.

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14 Comments on “Re:Morning Confessions of an Ugly Girl”

Yvonne, thank you for this blog entry! As always you give us something to think about! I am at the beginning of my journey through weightloss surgery, and i am hoping to be able to have my surgery in March! Thanks for sharing your life with all of us! You are very wise!

Congratulations!! Please let me know if there’s anything I can help you with. It is an amazing journey and was a miracle for me. If you respect and nurture your surgery it will do the same for you. (one of the things I repeat very often) Thank you for taking a moment to comment. I hope you’ll keep me posted with your progress!

Congrats on the new site, Honey….I am SO proud of what you have accomplished for yourself and SO proud of the way you “pay it forward” in being of service to others!

Thank you honey…I couldn’t do it without you. Thank you for believing in me.

Yvonne, I wish I could be as positive as you are. I know you already know, but you are so lucky to have Kevin supporting you. I have lost weight from my surgery, but I still feel ugly and stupid and fat. I wish you could bottle some of whatever you have…
But enough about me, I do enjoy your blog, I just never comment.

Karen thank you for commenting. I don’t know how far out you are but it took me close to 3 years before I “felt” differently….and that was with a great deal of support. I was sure the other shoe would drop and my life would return to the miserable existence that I lived for many years. I wish I could talk to you because I would tell you that you are probably playing those old tapes over and over in your head. Sometimes it is a form of depression and we start to become accustomed to the normalcy of those tapes. Are you attending any support groups? Do you have anyone in your life that tells you how special you are? I feel like you’ve probably been a people pleaser and never asked for anything for yourself. I know it is very difficult to ask. Even as far out as I am…I am still uncomfortable asking for anything. Low self esteem still haunts me but I try very hard to play new tapes every day. I don’t always win but putting forth an effort is better than not. Would you consider contacting me and talking with me so that we can find a way to help you out of a slump? It’s hard to do it alone and no one deserves to be alone on their journey. No one deserves to feel ugly, stupid and fat. I am absolutely sure you are none of those.

Maybe you just need someone to listen for a while. I could do that too. I would like to help if you’ll let me.
Many blessings, Y

I am so thrilled to have found your blog! I had bariatric surgery in May of 2007 – and it is the best thing I have ever done in my life. But isn’t interesting (strange?) how we still perceive ourselves as “fat chicks”? When I am having a doubting moment, I put on a pair of size 4 pants – that is my reminder!!!! I still believe that bariatric surgery is 50% mental and 50% physical. Thank you!

Thank you Pam. I had no idea when I first lost weight that my head wouldn’t really register the weight loss. Those first 3 years I even still dreamed that I was still obese and would wake up in a sweat and be grateful that it was only a dream. Something clicked and I now dream at my current size. Congratulations for doing so well 4 years out! I have long wished to find the many post-ops that are in a good place so they can help the post-ops that are struggling. And I actually might put bariatric surgery as even way more mental than physical. Thank you for taking time to comment Pam.

Well said Yvonne and thank you so much for sharing. We all enconter “bumps” in this road we travel after surgery but it is up to us go around them, jump over them, OR sit on top of them and keep them company. I chose to treat mine like the the “Track and Field star” I never was and use my Pole (my tool, support, and positive thinking) and catapolt myself over these “bumps” just like the Pole Valut Event you see in the Olympics! We must lean on one another and not all the toxicness (is that a word? Well now it is cause I just made it one…haha!) that is around out there. Many HUGS to you my friend for being there for us!

XOXO, Emily

I am almost 1 year out. Dec 23rd is my new birthday. I have the most awesome support system and I wish I could bottle it up and share it. I have a fabulous support group, my daughters are on board and help me even when they don’t know they have. My boyfriend is top-notch in the supporter category and encourages me every day. Today I had to face the fact that I was really 30 lbs heavier than I thought I was at the beginning. Now I am emotionally dealing with this new number in my life. Silly as it sounds, I should be over-joyed that I have lost 30 more than I thought I had, but that new number cut me to the bone. I went to my exercise tonight with a new word, hope. I hope I continue to be blessed with good fortune in my support system and that ugly new number never rules my thoughts. I am so much more beautiful than an ugly number. Ugly is as ugly does and any journey to a healthier you is BEAUTIFUL. All of us are the most beautiful!!! Love yourself ladies and go to a support group!!! Now 171 lbs lighter!!! Love you all keep working the tool!!!!

I understand EXACTLY what you mean about learning that new number. Some people don’t understand because we are all different and we feel things differently. The way I can relate to that is when I found a before picture I had never seen. I had come to accept the ones I had already seen. I looked at them often and had made peace with them and then I found another one. There are very few before pictures of me so I was very surprised it even existed. It took two solid weeks before I could scan it and post it. I thought I had seen them all and never imagined ever looking like that. I was ashamed. I also saw a look in my face…one of horror that my picture was being taken but it was my mom taking it. She never saw me as obese. Then she was diagnosed with cancer and I lost her in 2000 and I got the biggest I ever got. That was July and the following December is when I heard about WLS.
Congrats on almost your new birthday. What a great holiday season this will be for you! Don’t worry about that new number…it just shows how much further you’ve come toward your journey. Give it some time and you’ll adjust. It’s just another thing to be grateful for right?
Hugs, Y

Well Yvonne, I know you have heard this so many times, but….I’m at a standstill and even gained 5 lbs over the holidays!! I know what I did wrong, and thru reading your wonderful advice, I pretty much know what I need to do,but, I am sooo DIGUSTED with myself for not doing it!!!!! Every day I tell myself I’m not going to mess up,and just about every night I know that I’ve failed again! I know that I can do this right,so why am I (almost feels like I’m doing it purposely) going down the wrong path again! My biggest FEAR is being fat again,and has been since my RNY surgery May 5, 2009. My doubts and fears are coming true…got to my goal weight, and I’m blowing it!!! PLEASE HELP ME, I’m sooo AFRAID!!!!

I am at an event all day but promise to reply in length as soon as I can! Don’t panic and certainly don’t beat yourself up ok? I’ll be back as soon as I can.

OK! Very first thing. Take away blame/shame/judgment/guilt. This helps to reduce stress that in itself can put our body into starvation mode. Are you eating breakfast??? Instead of “knowing you did wrong” (which causes that blame and shame stuff) I want you to let it go. It’s in the past and there is absolutely nothing you can do. I want you to concentrate on how much you’ve lost OK? Yeah, yeah..you’ve heard that before but it’s the truth. If you concentrate on what you don’t have you bring it into your consciousness. You attract it into your life. Just like you said your doubts and fears are coming true….FEAR stands for future events appearing real. Don’t attract that into your life. BELIEVE you can do it. Read Gina’s story. She got 70 pounds off. You can do it one day at a time. Instead of worrying into the next ten years can we just decide to get that 5 pounds off? Just for today let’s take it a pound at a time. Are you keeping food around that you shouldn’t eat? Get rid of it. Can you sign up for something new like a community college class for some kind of dancing or Zumba or yoga or exercise? Why do you think you are unworthy of success? You absolutely could be sabotaging yourself because you are doing all that stinkin’ thinkin’.

Every morning I put myself right back into my body the night before surgery. I see those pictures (I carry them with me always) and I am so grateful not to be there. The truth is that if I could magically put you into your pre-surgery body and make you stay in it for a month, you’d be ecstatic to be right where you are even with the extra 5 pounds from the holidays. Do you see how our mind messes with us? Are you stressing about something or are you needing to get excited about something new? In a rut? Are you going to a group or reaching out to help others? That always helps me. Sometimes we just need to get motivated.

If you want, you post a reply or send me a message when you are about to eat something you know you shouldn’t and you have to promise me that you’ll find something else to eat (like veggies) until you leave me a message about what you about to eat. Eat enough broccolli or something until you can’t eat any more. Full is full right? If you are stressing about something or trying to avoid feelings, lets talk about it OK? Nobody knows who you are here and it will others too. Let’s get you back on track OK? Quit using words like you’ve failed for the day because that just brings it into your life. Promise yourself that just for tomorrow (that’s all you have to worry about) JUST tomorrow you’ll do what you’re supposed to do and then write me and tell me all the good things you did. (Like eating breakfast, drinking water etc). After tomorow we’ll worry about the next day. I believe in you….you need to believe in yourself.

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